Reflections

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about a lot of things. Let me try and get some of them out. Bear with me!

First, my current position will come to an end on December 20^th and it won’t be renewed. My position is covering for someone else who was working for another office for a year and he has decided to stay there. They are reposting my position but they have changed the qualifications which means that I’m not qualified for the job I’m currently doing. This is frustrating and discouraging and while I understand that the direction of the organization is changing and so they are trying to hire the “right” people, I feel like I should be the “right” person. It is frustrating but I don’t have any bad feelings about my organization or my boss. I am trying to see this as an opportunity and a good learning experience.

So this leaves me in a familiar place of having to figure out what is next. I have been here before and I have learned over and over again that God is faithful. I really want to know what the plan is, what the big picture is and what my life will look like 5 years from now. Even thought I've been here before, I want control, security and to Know.

My small group back in Halifax talked about how our lives are a little like those connect-the-dots pictures you find in colouring books for kids. God knows what the picture looks like, but we only get to see the next dot.

The Psalmist talks about the Word of God being a light to his path and a lamp to his feet. I was reminded recently that he wouldn’t need a light or a lamp if he could see the path clearly in front of him.

Martin Luther King Jr. is quoted as saying that “faith is taking the first step even when you can’t see the whole staircase.”

Part of me actually loves this. It might mean that I should get my head checked but part of me likes the variety and the unknown and new places and new things. Every time I’ve found myself in this position the next thing has always been great. Last time I was here I ended up in Burundi, and while that was hard it was also great. The time before that I ended up in Halifax doing my Masters. Also hard, but great. So I know that whatever is next, God has a plan and it may be hard but it will be great. A new place, (city, workplace, country who knows!), new people and a new challenge. Exploring a new place, settling into a new apartment and learning a new job. All of this is exciting and challenging and makes me happy and I enjoy it.

But part of me hates this. Part of me would like to stay in one place and be able to have routines and traditions. I watch my friends buying houses and having kids and settling into the rhythm of their lives and I get jealous. I would love to set down roots, have my own space that I can decorate and actually unpack all the boxes that are currently hiding in random places in my parents’ house and know that I will get to stay there and that my things will stay where I put them and I won’t have to pack them and move again. I want to have a vegetable garden and grow things and maybe can things knowing that I will be around to eat the things that I can. I want to connect with people and build new relationshipos. The idea of roots, of belonging to a place is so attractive to me.

I don’t know if I’ll ever figure out how to balance these sides of me but I don’t think I’m ready to choose one side over the other. In the meantime, I’ll continue to have faith that whatever is next will be great, even if it is hard. I’ll continue to take the next steps, remembering that God knows where the staircase is heading even when I don’t. I’ll remind myself that I don’t need to belong to a place, because I belong to Christ.