Another Day

I started the last post admitting that I’ve been struggling with some things and that not all of it has been happy. I’ve been discouraged and disappointed a lot over the past couple of weeks, especially over the past couple of days. I am usually a positive enough person and am pretty intentional about finding the good side of things, people and situations. It isn’t usually something I have to try very hard at. So this negativity I’m feeling has been hard to deal with because I feel like it isn’t me.  

I have been working really hard on a project since right before I went home for the wedding. I worked on it while I was home even though it was supposed to be a bit of a vacation. I had skype conference calls at 6am because of the time difference and the weeks after I got back to Burundi I worked 15-20 hours a day and worked all through the weekends. I was working with a team or other people on this project and I enjoyed the opportunity to work with them and learn from them, but the process was stressful and at times it felt like we were going in circles. At the last minute it was decided that the proposal we had worked so hard on would not be submitted.To be told at the very last minute that all this work had been for nothing was incredibly discouraging. I have finished swearing at the wall now, but I am still feeling really disappointed and a little angry. It is not all on my shoulders, it is not my fault that this didn't work – I was part of a team and not really in charge, but I can’t help feeling like if I had done better, worked harder, managed time or people differently,, then it would have worked out differently. In the past I think I have taken experiences like this as motivation to do better, or to work harder. This time I am less motivated and it is making me feel like I am overwhelmed and under qualified. I have a lot of work left to do in the next two months so I know I need to be more positive. And I will be. Tomorrow. But for now I am exhausted, homesick and ready to be finished. I am trying to find my way back to being the positive person who is up for the challenge, but she might be a little lost right now. I know a lot of this is because of how tired I am. I am working to put some balance back in my daily life and am reminding myself that I’m not carrying this alone and that I need to cast all my cares on the One who is able to carry them all. This reminder along with good coffee, lunch today outside by the lake with a friend and cleansing thunderstorms are helping me to feel more like myself.

I know this post has been a bit negative. Sorry for that. I promise my next post will have pictures and will be more upbeat.