Some Good Introspection

I was wandering around the highways and side streets of the Internet this afternoon and I stumbled on a couple of blogs by people who are living and working in Kigali. I read these blogs with a kind of nostalgic eagerness trying to catch glimpses of the familiar landscapes and reassured by the similar struggles and philosophic wrestling these people are wrestling with. And I get homesick.

My cousin Mike is currently in Rwanda, probably waiting for dinner at a restaurant on the shores of Lake Kivu as I am writing this. He is with a team from my church and they are working with the same organization as I did the first time I went to Rwanda just over a year ago. Somehow if feels longer. It was hard for me to watch this team get ready to go since I wasn't going with them but I am so excited for what they are going to learn, see and experience. I get emails and facebook messages from Mike and from other team members about what they are doing, where they are and who of my friends they have seen. And I get homesick.

But as I think about my time in Rwanda and try to prepare for my possible-eventual-maybe return and as I read these blogs and email messages I have to start to ask myself what I am homesick for. What is it that I actually miss? How do I think of and image my experiences?

Of course I miss my favourite hangouts and the social interactions and real friendships I made while I was there. I miss shopping at Kimironkho market and I miss the green and beautiful scenery. And it is easy to say I miss the pace of life, the simplicity of things and the feeling of actually using my education and working in my Field.

But something about all of those things feels like a pat answer, the easy answer.

Do I miss the pace of life and the simplicity because I have forgotten the realities of the crushing poverty faced by the people of Rwanda? Does my longing for this simplicity in some way gloss over and somehow invalidate the daily struggle most people face?
Do I miss my work because I miss feeling important, like I am changing the world? Is there something of my own ego, my need to be appreciated and useful here?
When I think about the kids in my neighbourhood who knew me by name, do I miss them because of who they were and the relationship we started to build or do I miss the attention they gave me? When I remember their shining smiles and eager greetings am I finding their dirty faces and bare feet charming or do I acknowledge and grieve the poverty and lack that characterizes their days?

This is challenging to me, because of course my answer to these questions is in some part yes. I have minimalizled the poverty I faced every day, probably because I did face it every day. Somehow I got used to it, at least most days, so the disturbing images of children - who should be in school- begging, working or caring for siblings have been coloured with prettier colours in my mind. And of course I miss the work that actually felt like it was making a difference. I'm not sure that has to be egotistical but I know I have to pay attention to that.

Obviously my answer to the questions is also No. If it were a total yes I don't think I would be asking the questions to begin with - I wouldn't notice that I should. Poverty disturbs me on a deep and basic level. It is not what God intended for his creation and as a Christ follower I feel that justice and caring for the poor are among the foundational teachings of how we are to follow Christ. There is something in the core of me that rebels against the facts of poverty and shouts out that this isn't how it should be. It isn't how it needs to be. This is what motivates me and it is also I think what allows me to see beyond the poverty, past the bare feet and dirty torn clothing to the people and the lives behind them.

I love being home here in Canada. I have plans over the next week that will take me camping and spending time with good friends. I am planning a trip to Winnipeg in September to see old friends and even to 'teach' a class at my old school. I am really excited about new relationships and am working at strengthening old ones. So I am happy being home. But there is something that is yearning to be back in Rwanda. Something more than missing the view from Republica or the coffee at Bourbon. It is more than missing the women from the church on Fridays or picking lemons from my own tree. Sometimes this yearning worries me a little since it will take me away from home again and from people I love. But I know that there are plans for me and I trust that He leads me. And I am excited, so so excited to see what is next.